The Catskill Chronicle

By Mort Malkin

The Axis of Evil, according to George W. Bush, was Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. Note that Afghanistan never made the cut.

“Axis” purports some coordination, but Iraq and Iran were most  bitter enemies until Shock ‘n Awe drove Saddam Hussein from power and US tanks in Baghdad installed a Shiite government. As to North Korea, Kim Jong-il never spoke to Saddam or Khomeini. It is rumored that Kim’s official translators didn’t even know that there was a difference between Arabic and Farsi. They were limited to English, Chinese, Japanese, and French. [French, so they could order French Cognac for their Dear Leader.]

You may rationalize the selection of countries for the original Axis of Evil based their common interest in nuclear weapons. North Korea had developed a nuclear weapon (with the help of Pakistan, a US ally); Iran was enriching uranium and might someday get from 20% to the 90% enrichment level necessary for a nuclear weapon; and Iraq must have dreamt about it. Isn’t that collusion enough?

Now, not even John Bolton believes Iraq deserves inclusion in an Axis of Evil. So, we are left with North Korea and Iran. First, North Korea and its modern history. North Korea has maintained an uneasy truce with the US since 1953. Truces, of course, are just temporary — they last only until a peace treaty is signed, or until a new war breaks out. The US has refused to sign a peace treaty with North Korea and, suspiciously maintains military bases in the South to the tune of 28,500 Army and Air Force troops and many warplanes arranged in tactical fighter wings, fighter interceptor wings, fighter bomber wings, and quick reaction strike forces. The US and South Korea enjoy joint military exercises near the border, as well. The North Koreans don’t like it when others have fun at their expense — they’re only human.

Perhaps the North Koreans feel that the US, with its recent history of invading small countries (Granada, Panama, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq) and interfering covertly with others (Iran, Chile, Libya, Honduras), might extend this glorious tradition to the Korean peninsula. However, the US has never invaded a nation that has an arsenal of nuclear weapons. The North Korean logic is that with even a few nuclear tipped missiles, they would be safe from invasion.

Next, Iran. Iran has an illustrious history that goes back to Neolithic times; but, to understand Iran today, we do not have to go back to Zoroaster (Zarathustra), Cyrus the Great, or the Sasanian empire when it was called Persia. Let’s jump to the 1950s. In 1951,  Mohammed Mossadegh, a leader in Parliament, had convinced the legislature to nationalize the oil works of the country. Then, in 1953 Iran held democratic elections and selected Mossadegh to lead the nation. Later that year, the US and the UK saw to it that a military coup was held to depose him.

Fast forward through the absolute rule of the Shah, past the revolution led by Ayatollah Khomeini, to the present rule of Ali Khameini and the decision to establish a civilian nuclear power program that could have dual use. Iran signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty in 1968, which permits it to use nuclear power for non-military purposes such as medical devices and electric power production.

Iran, with its 6,000 year history, including the invasion of Alexander the Great, and, centuries later, the Arab conquest, has always been keenly aware of international geopolitics. In recent years, Iran has seen: the invasion of Afghanistan on its eastern border, the invasion of Iraq on its western border, saber-rattling by Israel, advocacy by Dick Cheney for air strikes against Iran, economic sanctions by the US, and current intelligence & sabotage operations within Iran by US Special Forces and by Israeli agents. In response, Iran has sent a team of stand up comics in a pre-emptive strike against the US and the UK.

The right wing politicians in Washington are certain of Iran’s nefarious intentions, even though their enrichments efforts are only at 20% and they would have to attain a 90% level to build a bomb. The Iranians are also taking note that the same US war hawks are not threatening North Korea with bombs & missiles even as Pyongyang has run a third underground nuclear test. The coffee houses in Teheran are holding discussions on whether North Korea’s nuclear bombs have kept  them safe from US attack or whether it was Korean lack of oil.

Complicating the Iran question is Iranian oil and its trade ties with China. China is Iran’s best oil customer, about half a million barrels a day. Further muddiment of the issue is that Iran’s natural rival in the Near East is Saudi Arabia. Arabia is Arab and Sunni, but Iran is Shiite and non Arab.

The Gadfly Revelry & Research team held a caucus and in a flash of creativity came up with answers. In the Far East, we can make a package of offers that Kim Jong-un can’t refuse. First, the US must treat North Korea’s irrational paranoia by signing & ratifying a peace treaty. With a peace treaty, the US would no longer need Air Force bases in the South. The interceptors, fighters, and bombers would be packed off to Africa to protect elephants from ivory poachers. In return, North Korea (the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea) would bury its nuclear works under the land mines and barbed wire of the DMZ and the Chinese would guard it with Peace Dragons.

Hollywood would set up a movie studio at Pyongyang, and Kim Jong-un would be groomed to star in forthcoming films. The people of North Korea would establish a School for Survival to train explorers and adventurers the world over. Perhaps endangered Republicans like Karl Rove and Mitt Romney would attend. The vaunted North Korean army would be disbanded and provide manpower for Samsung, Hyundai, Red Mango, and other rapidly expanding, export-oriented industries of the South. Soon, a reunited nuclear-free Korean peninsular would become a model for peace in the world.

Iran, too, should be proffered a peace treaty. We should also offer them a state-of-the-art nuclear medical laboratory — they say that is why they’re enriching uranium at Natanz. If they are reticent to accept such a facility from the “Great Satan,” Japan could provide the largesse. As to contending that it needs civilian nuclear power, it would be easy enough to discourage the Ayatollahs from pursuing a landscape of giant cooling towers. The Grand Ayatollah Khomeini who founded the Islamic Republic in 1979 made the pronouncement that splitting atoms was the work of the devil. We could provide an executive summary of the disasters at Fukushima, Chernobyl, and Three Mile Island, and remind them that Iran has a history of earthquakes. Earthquakes, they surely know, see three foot concrete containment walls as challenges.

Once we make peace, stop threatening them with sanctions and cyber attacks, and remove bombing runs from the options table — a cultural exchange can cement the peace. Iranian comics are already in the US comedy clubs. Imagine Iranian coffee house in the US where Sufi poets and hip-hop poets could meet. Last but not least, Iranian rug makers could teach the FBI the art of weaving flying carpets to preclude drones in every police precinct in the US.