The Catskill Chronicle

By Mort Malkin

The BP oil platform explosion & fire in the Gulf of Mexico, the sinking of the entire rig, the death of eleven workers — it is all horrific enough to prohibit all such difficult sites that man was never meant to explore. The oil well in question is a mile underwater in the sea bed off the coast of Louisiana. As difficult as it was to find the oil, it is proving impossible to shut off the flow. The blowout continues to spew 5,000 barrels of crude oil a day into the sea.

When the oil slick, the size of the state of Maryland, approached the oyster beds of Louisiana’s coast, the Gadfly Revelry & Research team (GRR) turned to action. Their immediate impulse was to eschew any hi-tech solution the industry proposed. They figured anyone who couldn’t prevent the disaster shouldn’t be relied on to fix it. Then, it was down to the business of creativity.

One of the members of the GRR gang — she calls herself a kitchen witch — noted that in oil & vinegar dressings the oil is always on top. Reasoning that the same basic physics applies to petroleum and sea water, she suggested a large funnel be placed upside down over the blowout. The crude oil pouring out of the breech could be collected through a long tube. The oyster beds would be saved.

Another gang member lamented that if we had only treated whales better over the last couple of centuries we might enlist their aid in a myriad of ways. But, Moby Dick’s descendants are all too wary of Western terrestrials who send nuclear submarines through the home seas of marine creatures and pay no rent.

The final suggestion came from a strict constructionist of the religious community who preaches Creation Care. She especially takes exception to Sarah “Drill-Baby-Drill” Palin and says Sarah can perform a few weeks of public service to atone for her previous attitudes toward Mother Nature by donning scuba gear and putting her finger in BP’s hole in the floor of the sea that won’t stop spurting oil. After that success, Sarah the Savior might see the value of unpolluted oceans for fish, sea mammals, polar bears, and tourism. Just imagine, Sarah as a tour guide around the Kenai Peninsula, Kodiak Island, and the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.