The Catskill Chronicle

By Mort Malkin

Sex

Governor Mark Sanford (South Carolina), Governor Eliot Spitzer (New York), Governator Arnold (California), Senator John Ensign, Congressman Newt Gingrich, and the latest: Chief of the IMF, Dominique Strauss-Kahn! They’ve all been caught satisfying sexual urges without pledging “Until death do us part.”  Oh yes, I forgot Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and President Bill Clinton. All are out of office now in various degrees of disgrace, but Strauss-Kahn is the only one detained at Rikers Island Prison until he posted a seven-figure bond.

The French (French men, anyway) are upset that a sexual peccadillo should become a criminal matter in the adolescent US. To avoid a diplomatic rift, the Gadfly Revelry & Research team has gone into creativity mode and come up with a solution. Inasmuch as the Exchequers of the G-XX nations unaccountably think well of Strauss-Kahn’s financial skills, he should plead “I got carried away” in exchange for a sentence of 1,900 hours of public service as an IMF oracle and ombudsman. In addition he is to have a piercing parlor place an electronic chastity ring through the dangerous phallus. The punishment must fit the crime.

Energy

The parody of energy affairs and the once and future American way of life never seem to leave the news. It started with the Senator Inhof gang and the ideology of global heating denial. Gadfly is glad to report that they are rapidly climbing a steep learning curve. Their position is now, “Even if the earth is warming, we didn’t do it.” Further, they theorize that a warmer world would be more desirable. The melting of the ice cap over the North Pole would allow BP to set up deep water oil rigs and “drill, baby drill.” Any blowouts there would affect few people and few polar bears. The polar bears would be almost extinct by then anyway.

Speaking of Big Oil there is some debate about the billions in tax subsidies the US members of the Seven Sisters now enjoy. The tax breaks (now in the American tradition) would keep government revenues in check — money that would otherwise fund Head Start programs and Pell grants. We wouldn’t want our high school kids smart enough to get into a college liberal arts program. Everyone argues that the Oil Giants have been making record profits and don’t need the tax subsidies. Gadfly contends that they do need the money to pay for cleaning up future drilling explosions and oil hemorrhages. We must show a little compassion towards those who contribute to our GDP.

Japan has recently confirmed the ethical basis of capitalism. The extent of the meltdown of the Fukushima nuclear plant and the resultant release of dozens of radioactive isotopes into the atmosphere and ocean was not disclosed fully by the Tokyo Electric Power Company (TEPCO). After all, they do electricity, not media. The CEO, Masataka Shimizu, stayed at the helm to limit the (PR?) damage. But, when record corporate losses were reported, last week, he immediately resigned in disgrace. Hey, TEPCO is a corporation.

Here in the US, the CONG gang (coal, oil, nuclear, gas) keep telling us their technology is so advanced they can safely produce all the energy we need for our big SUVs, hot tubs, and air conditioners. They say: they can bring us clean coal; they can safely drill for oil in mile deep water just off shore from vacation beaches; they can safely split the atom to boil the water and produce the steam to run the turbines that make the electricity we need; and they can safely fracture the bedrock shale a mile or two beneath the surface of the earth to mine the “natural” gas hiding there. The watchword is safety. President Obama has just directed Secretary Chu of the Department of Energy to appoint a panel to study the ways energy can be produced more cleanly and more safely.

Lucky for the government and Secretary Chu, the Gadfly Revelry & Research team (GRR) has already studied the same question. Their first finding is that the physical laws of the universe still apply on Planet Earth. Despite the Congress and some few Governors, we can’t repeal Galileo’s Law of Gravitation, Newton’s Laws of Motion, and Einstein’s theories re: time and space. Worse, today’s physicists have confirmed chaos theory. Secretary Chu is a Nobel laureate in physics — he should know these things. The GRR team can add one more — Murphy’s Law. The CONG gang will never be able to mine, drill, and nucleate safely.

Bin Laden: Dead or Alive?

In the aftermath of the bin Laden assassination, the US press expressed satisfaction and enthusiastic endorsement of the actions of the Navy Seal team. Few Americans had any reservations. The network pundits asked only about a) whether Pakistan knew that bin Laden was living comfortably in their midst, b) whether the ISI was protecting him, and c) whether the White House should release the pictures of the dead Al Qaeda leader. Only the British press questioned the need to kill rather than capture him. The White House allowed that bin Laden was unarmed, that three Navy Seals found him on the third floor, and that he had only the protection of a young wife’s charms. Another twenty of the assault team had already secured the first and second floors. If the priority was bring him back alive, even a newly recruited Seal could have made a move on the Bearded One and had him in cuffs at the speed of a reflex, ready for extraordinary rendition back to the US. Or, maybe it was a pure kill operation.

Capturing bin Laden alive would have better all around. First, putting him on trial would show the world that the US assiduously follows the Rule of Law. Second, a live extraction could have brought about the end of un-stated terrorism and contributed to cultural and religious amity around the world. Here’s the scenario: From the moment of apprehension in Pakistan, the accused is denied access to hair dyes so the world gets a look at the real bin Laden in his gray beard. Then, he is brain washed, converts to pacifism, and becomes a born-again follower of the Great Spirit of all people. He agrees to become a missionary and makes a series of audio and video tapes extolling non-violence and exhorting all Al Qaeda members and wannabes to renounce car bombs and suicide vests. In exchange, the CIA and the Pentagon consent to cease bombing wedding parties, boys gathering firewood in a field, and meetings of elders. Soon, terrorism becomes rare, we declare
mission accomplished, and the Patriot Act is repealed. Finally, we leave the almost 800 military bases around the world. We are left only with the unanswered questions and unquestioned answers still remaining from the 9-11 attacks. Perhaps, a Truth and Reconciliation Commission will finally ask the tough questions.