The Catskill Chronicle

By Mort Malkin

The Republican possiblees who may run in 2012 are falling all over themselves to deny interest in a run at the presidency. They have been warned by Fox News that anyone who works at the network as an opinionator would lose that mega-dollar employment if a premature announcement were made. Newt Gingrich, afraid to form an exploratory committee, took a baby step of establishing a website to explore the possibility of an exploratory committee. He was suspended, anyway. Fox News could have shown more insight. Gingrich was only musing — he didn’t do anything serious such as changing his name from Newt to Scorpio.

The next possible candidate is Mike Huckabee, another Fox pundit, disbeliever of evolution, and agnostic of climate change, who has stretched his doubtity to Obama’s birthplace and religion. How else to attract the votes of the Far Side.

Another Fox News savant who has presidential ambitions is Rick Santorum. The same Rick Santorum who doesn’t show a public face in Pennsylvania where, as an incumbent Senator he lost a re-election bid to Bob Casey by 18 percentage points, losing in every county in the Commonwealth except Wayne County. To start, Santorum is a hard-right conservative, focused on social issues: homosexuality, abortion, and evolution. He is fiercely against all three. Nonetheless, Fox News suspended him because he has been spending too much time in New Hampshire and Iowa to familiarize the people of those states with his name, just in case his party wants a true Republican.

Yet another Foxy (News) personality is Sarah Palin who is Socratic in her ability to answer an interviewer’s question with the answer to a completely different and irrelevant question. But, a candidate who upped and quit in the middle of her first term as governor, and later admitted that she did it because she hated the job, does not have the chops to get through six months of the presidency. Fiscal policy, environmental policy, energy policy, foreign policy … even she won’t be able to say she can see Egypt, Libya, Yemen, or Bahrain from her front porch. And, who would vote for someone who hunts wolves from a plane, hoping that polar bears will soon be delisted as an endangered species.

Michelle Bachmann, the Congresswoman from Minnesota, may not be a mama grizzly, but she holds Neanderthal positions on social and economic issues. Money raising skills notwithstanding, she can’t even get a committee chairdom from the Republican House leadership. The best she can do is to chair the House Tea Party Caucus.

Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi is the picture of kindness & compassion … toward the Old Confederacy. He refuses to criticize the White Citizens’ Council which was like the KKK without hoods. Compassionate conservatism, OK, but Haley Barbour hasn’t forgiven Lincoln for the Thirteenth and Fifteenth amendments. Maybe he can get nominated to be president of Alabama or Mississippi.

Mitt Romney the former governor of Massachusetts and successful businessman, thought his party wouldn’t notice that he signed the Massachusetts Health Care Reform Law. You know, the one that was the model for ObamaCare. They also noticed that his anti-abortion credentials are conveniently a day-after-the-night-before political precaution. And, his Republican competitors for the nomination are not above sniping at his Mormon faith. No, Mitt Romney will have to go back to making money.

Governor Mitch Daniels of Indiana is personable and bright, but he has earned the enmity of all true neo-cons when he refused to sign Grover Norquist’s pledge never to raise taxes, not even indirectly. Maybe he should become a Democrat.

Jeb Bush might have had a chance had his brother George W not poisoned the Bush name beyond repair. Jeb has impeccable neo-con credentials as a signer of the Project for a New American Century, but it is all for nought.

Republicans: don’t give up. The Gadfly Revelry & Research creative team has come up with a few surprises:

Jay Rockefeller may be a Democrat right now, but he is the great grandson of John D Rockefeller, one of the original Robber Barons. Karl Rove will be challenged to convince Jay that blood is thicker than water. Rumor has it that Karl is planning to bring in great-grandfather John D’s ghost.

Another possibility would be someone with the Eisenhower name. There are eight great-grandchildren who qualify. At least one could come to the aid of the party of their patriarch. The only trouble is that Ike would never recognize the Republican Party in its present fealty to the military-industry complex.

Next on the list of unthought candidates is Hillary Clinton. She so much wants to be president, she could almost cry. As Secretary of State, she can’t attack Iran, but as a Republican … Give the warrior-lady a chance. In 2012 she can’t run as a Democrat, and the Green Party won’t have any part of someone who wears red jackets, symbolic of global heating.

Another possibility, while we are thinking outside the box, is David Cameron, the Prime Minister of the UK. The Atlantic, nowadays, is only a pond, and we’re all part of a free (or free-for-all) trade world. Back before 1776, the Colonies were part of the British Empire. A simple ex post facto law, and David can be considered a native born citizen. He is already the Conservative Party leader and is planning out loud the privatization of some critical parts of the National Health Service. In the UK his popularity is falling fast, what with the closing of many libraries and reduction of funding for Town Councils, which provide social services. The Brits look favorably on their welfare state and would send David off at the drop of a bowler, with a tally-ho.

Last of the unlikelies is Vladimir Putin, formerly of the KGB and now in the ceremonial position of Prime Minister. He would never put up with the demonstrators in Wisconsin — he still must have a few good contacts in Siberia. But, a card carrying Communist? Well, a politician so far to the left on the political circle needs to go only a little further to reach the far right. Questions as to his birth are answered by history: First, Russia and Alaska were connected by a land bridge as recently as 13,000 years ago. In more recent times, Alaska was part of Russia until 1867. Some exemption could be granted for a man born in a country that now includes our 49th state.

Post Script: A dream ticket of Colonel Gaddafi and Hosni Mubarak has recently been suggested. Their combined billions in assets could balance our federal budget. The Republicans can win by promising a quick fix for the economy — a quintessential American philosophy.