The Catskill Chronicle

Twice Divorced – By Grayce Goin

Dear Twice Divorced:

Cathy and I have been co-workers and best friends for the past 21 plus years. We’ve shared almost everything, silly escapades, new relationships, loss of loved ones, and on and on.

The problem is whenever I’m hurting, for whatever reason, her responses, instead of listening and being comforting, usually hurt me terribly.

There are hundreds of examples that I won’t cover, of course. The most recent was a bout with agonizing TMJ after a painful root canal. I don’t think I was whining, but when she asked how I was feeling, I told her.

Her response was “deal with it, you have jaw pain, our co-worker Jane was just diagnosed with cancer.” 

If I talk about my old house that seriously needs work that I can’t afford, new roof, etc. her response is “at least you have a roof, there are thousands and thousands of homeless people.”

I live alone; as does she after losing her husband 18 years ago. I get lonely, my family is far away, but she is surrounded by hers. She doesn’t understand why I’m miserable so much of the time.  She doesn’t get the fact that I suffer from anxiety/depression issues and stay under a doctor’s care. 

When she preaches to me, she says she does it because she loves me, but she only ends up making me feel worse. I’m there for her whenever she needs me, I listen and I don’t preach to her. I just give her my shoulder. Why can’t she do the same for me without judging everything I say or do?

In Need of a Real Friend

Dear In Need,

It sounds to me like Cathy is either totally incapable of empathy or is only asking out of politeness and doesn’t really care about your pain, or that of anyone other than herself. I could almost understand (not condone) if she were a fixer…someone who feels the need to solve your problems on the spot.

What she is doing is telling you that you are not entitled to your feelings because, in her view ,they are not valid. How dare she? I’m sorry to have to tell you that this woman is not your friend in the truest sense of the word – she is a user. She uses your shoulder for support and validation but refuses to do the same for you.

What makes this situation all the more difficult is that you work together. I can see only two options for you: 1) the next couple of times she comes to you with a problem give her a taste of her own medicine, let her know how it feels to be denied validity; or, 2)  back away from her, don’t discuss your problems with her and just be too busy to listen to hers. 

I do understand that it can be more comforting to speak to someone face to face, but I strongly suggest you use the phone and talk to your friends and relatives who are far away – that is where your support system lies right now, certainly not with Cathy.

Hang in there, and Be well.

Letters can be sent to deartwice@yahoo.com or Catskill.Chronicle@yahoo.com. Be sure to put Twice Divorced in the Subject line.

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