The Catskill Chronicle

Twice Divorced – By Grayce Goin

Dear Twice Divorced,

My friend’s mother is suffering from terminal cancer and only has a few months left to live, if that.

I feel very stupid saying "How are you?" or "How are you feeling?" when I see her. I don’t want to just say "Hello" as it seems that something should follow. But I don’t want to appear insensitive by asking "How are you feeling?" of someone who knows she is dying.

This is so awkward. Help!

Fearful Friend

Dear Fearful,

I feel I have to start with the obvious and very basic premise of: we are all dying – the only difference is that some people have a more specific timetable than others. A common reaction to these people’s situation is avoidance – the cruelest possible thing to do.

Over the years we have all seen pithy quotes or questions about what a person does knowing they are in their last year or month or whatever. If this abundance of prodding were able to get people considering the question, then their purpose would have been served. Unfortunately, most people don’t want to face the inevitability of their own demise or that of those they love, so they simply don’t consider it or plan on dealing with the situation you now find yourself in.  

One answer is as simple as adding one word to the question: How are you feeling today? Or how are you doing physically? Or, if you are close to the person, how are you feeling emotionally? This shows sincere concern and will surely be appreciated.

Impending death is not the only thing on most terminal patients’ minds. They still have lives, family, friends and many of the same concerns and interests they had before their diagnosis/prognosis came to light. Too many of these patients are treated as if they are already dead due to the discomfiture of family and friends. This needs to stop. Assisting the patient in living until there is no other choice has to start.

There is a plethora of  information on the net – I searched Dogpile.com for information on dealing with impending death, and there were far too many hits for me to cull through and make recommendations. Please, seek out this information for yourselves and your loved ones.

Be Well

*Editor’s note: In Sullivan County, the Caregiver Resource Center is a valuable resource when it comes to assisting those who are dealing with the joys and concerns of caregiving whether as a friend or fulltime caregiver.

For more information about the Caregiver Resource Center, the Caregiver Newsletter and Caregiver programs contact Bonnie Lewis, RN, at 845-292-6180 or e-mail bj125@cornell.edu .

Letters can be sent to deartwice@yahoo.com or Catskill.Chronicle@yahoo.com. Be sure to put Twice Divorced in the subject line.

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