The Catskill Chronicle

Twice Divorced – By Grayce Goin

Dear Twice Divorced:

Help!  I’m going deaf and looney tunes (sic) all at the same time! I have ridiculous neighbors who can’t seem to enjoy their music without sharing it with everyone within a one mile radius. I think they have their own personal preference battle going on as you can hear Hank Williams’ Your Cheatin’ Heart, and Pavarotti’s opera recordings, at the same time, no less!

I’ve tried listening to my own music with headphones on, but my ears would start bleeding if I tried to drown them out completely.

My apartment is a converted huge one-family ranch house, so there’s no insulation between apartment walls.  Windows rattle and the house vibrates.

I tried talking to the manager about the problem but he couldn’t care less. He told me he wouldn’t have any trouble at all finding someone else to rent my apartment. I don’t want to move and I’m losing what’s left of my mind.

What am I supposed to do? Please help !

Deef in Denville

Dear Deef,

Working from the assumption that you have already tried talking to the inconsiderate oafs and putting your heavy furniture against the offending walls, I see two options left open to you:

1) call the police, or 2) move.

I would go for #1, but only after one more serious effort at speaking with your neighbors.

Do not approach them when you are angry, do not make accusations, remain calm and sincere, thank them for taking the time to speak with you.

When this doesn’t help, go ahead and call the police – most communities have noise abatement laws that set decibel levels somewhat below blowing your neighbor out of their home. This will certainly annoy the offending parties.

However, if the police have to be called back and start handing out fines, they, hopefully, will have no choice but to come around and turn the dial counter-clockwise.

Sometimes when I am faced with people like this I like to imagine the form the perfect revenge would take. 

First, I would  head to the nearest electronics outlet or go online and get a decent pair of bass speakers and extra speaker wire. Aim each speaker at a wall adjoining one of the dolts apartments and get out The Who, Rolling Stones, Animals, Pink Floyd, Queen, Dead, etc., and blast away – even better if this music on an MP3 or 4 – no hanging around for the fireworks. 
I always feel better after these mental exercises and am able to deal with the situation more calmly.

I am seriously suggesting that you only go to the police after talking to your neighbors again doesn’t work – and invite the police into your home so they hear how large an impact it is having on your quality of life. In the best of all possible worlds, all three of you can be comfortable in your homes.

By the way, what company’s ear plugs do you buy? I’m looking for new investment opportunities.

Be Well

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