The Catskill Chronicle

Twice Divorced – By Grayce Goin

Dear Twice Divorced,
Just before leaving for a summer internship half way across the country my 20-year old son admitted to me what I had long suspected – that he is gay. We cried and hugged and I told him I was proud of him and would always love him. The problem he left me with is – how to tell my very traditional husband that his only son will not be passing on the family name. I can’t even begin to guess how to broach this subject with him, do you have any suggestions on how I can handle this.
Wish I Had Gone With Him

Dear Wish:
How wonderful that your son felt comfortable being open with you about being gay, the shame is that he could not do the same with his father. I have but one suggestion visit the Parents, Families and Friends of Gays and Lesbians website. What started out as one mother’s outrage at her son’s being beaten during a peaceful demonstration – with the police looking on and doing nothing – now has over 500 chapters and 200,000 members and supporters. At this site you will find a wealth of information on everything from local chapters and resources to advocacy to the various issues impacting the lives of our families and friends.

Dear Twice Divorced
I have a 14-year old dog that I have loved and cared for since shortly after he was born. I watched him play in a neighbor’s yard with his litter mates while deciding if I really wanted a dog, being a cat person. When I came to the decision to take him and went to the neighbors to ask about him, they had already taken the litter to the local pound. I went after him. At eight weeks old, he finally came home with me.
He is now nearing the end of, what I hope has been a very long, healthy, loved life. Along with other aging problems like arthritis, he has had three strokes in the last ten months. This third one was less severe than the other two.
My vet and I had discussed quality of life when my Himalayan was dying a few years back. I learned a lesson (I hope) from my selfishness of fighting for his life and putting him through medical treatments when he was ready to go, but I wasn’t ready to let go. I don’t feel my dog’s quality of life is over.
His heart and soul is still here; of that I have no doubt. He is happy to see me, follows me all around or, when I am sitting, lays his head on my lap. When I take out his leash he reverts to his younger self of bouncing up and down, tail going a mile a minute and barking, though now he loses his balance when his bouncing is too much, but he’s fine.
What hurts me, what I can’t come to grips with, are family and friends asking if I’m preparing myself (for his loss). How exactly do you do that? How do you get your mind to accept a little soul you love so much leaving you? How can you ever be ready to say goodbye?
What do you say when someone asks, “are you preparing yourself”? My answer has been I don’t know how and/or I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll know when it’s time.
Unprepared in Hoosierland

Dear Unprepared,
I can certainly empathize with your situation, having had pets for a large portion of my life. My suggestions are those of a lay person speaking from experience – I am not a grief counselor, nor a counselor of any kind.
When I knew the time was getting close, I started picturing my life without that pet, how it would be when I came home and there was no dog “talking” to me about taking a walk or not having a cat licking my ear five minutes before the alarm would be going off. Yes, it leads to tears and pain however I believe it lessens the shock when the time comes. You have obviously given this pet a loving home for 14 years – I can’t think of a single thing more you could have done – you must keep this in mind in the weeks and months to come.
There will be people who have never had furry family member, have no clue about what you are going through and whose attitude will be “it was just an animal – get over it”. Just keep telling yourself that their ignorance comes from not having enjoyed one of life’s great pleasures and steer all conversation away from this subject.
The Humane Society of the United States is a truly supportive site, which includes information on all aspects of pet ownership including how to deal with not only your own grief, but also that of children, seniors and other pets.

Letters can be sent to deartwice@yahoo.com or Catskill.Chronicle@yahoo.com. Be sure to put Twice Divorced in the Subject line.