The Catskill Chronicle

Twice Divorced by Grayce Goin

Dear Twice Divorced – 

I have a dear, beloved elderly friend – she’s 92 1/2 years old. I’ve known her for over 16 years now and she has always been a vibrant, smart and outgoing lady. She recently became ill and a two-week stint in the hospital took a lot out of her. She is recovering, but very slowly, and because there are residual issues, I am quite concerned about her.

So concerned, that I really wanted to call her physician son and discuss her welfare with him. Since I would never do that without her permission, I asked, and even though one day she said okay, the next day she asked me not to call him because "I have to work very hard to maintain a relationship with him" and "My son would just as soon put me in a nursing home."

Needless to say I was horrified by the last statement, as a nursing home is the last place this lady belongs.

So I call her every few days and listen. She recently told me that she waking up exhausted just about every day. I suggested she might have sleep apnea, and she agreed to discuss it with her doctor. Hopefully she will.

Since I can’t speak with her family, other than being emotionally supportive is there anything else I can do? I don’t want to lose this vivacious lady, but I am really concerned with her health.

Thank you,

Stuck in Smallwood

Dear Stuck,

Other than visit her occasionally, I doubt there is much else that you can do. You neglected to mention if she is currently living alone, or has day time or live in help. I would be extremely concerned about her being alone in her frail condition. I suspect that since you are only having phone conversations with her, in the back of your mind you are seeing as she was when you met her which can be very distracting when attempting to realistically appraise her condition.

In her current condition an assisted living facility might not be such a bad option – she can have the medical care she may require near at hand while maintaining some semblance of independence.

Even if her condition has declined to the point of requiring a nursing home, that is not necessarily a bad thing. My father was in one for 5 or 6 months before being moved to hospice and he enjoyed being able to discuss the good old days with his peers – they told each other outrageous lies and laughed themselves silly. He was very well taken care of during those months and it was the right choice for him.

Odds are that at some point she will require professional care on a full time basis and research done in advance of that time is the best way insure that she will be as comfortable and satisfied with her surroundings as is possible.

The following are very informative web sites concerning the selection of a nursing home:

http://www.medicare.gov/NHCompare/Include/DataSection/Questions/SearchCriteriaNEW.asp?version=default&browser=Firefox|3.6|WinXP&language=English&defaultstatus=0&pagelist=Home&CookiesEnabledStatus=True

http://www.nursinghomeguide.org/NHG/nhg_txt_howtochoose.lasso

http://www.nursinghomechoice.com

Be Well