The Catskill Chronicle

 Twice Divorced – By Grayce Goin

Dear Twice Divorced:
My husband is one of the most defensive people I’ve ever met, which makes having a civilized argument impossible. The second I say (politely, I might add) “It bothers me when you do …” he comes out with, “Well, when you do …” How does one even talk to someone like that?
Thank you,
Frustrated in the Catskills

Dear Frustrated:
Rather than look for a civilized argument, you should be looking for a genial discussion unfortunately your choice of words to open the conversation eliminates any chance of a productive outcome. There is more than one way to talk to a man (or woman for that matter) but using accusatory expressions is never one of the options.
The first thing to be considered is how important, really, is the issue at hand. Is it an un-rinsed coffee cup left on the kitchen counter or prescription medication left where young children can get at it? Once you are clear on where an issue stands on your quality of life list – then you can move on to discussion.
You might start off by saying “I think we may need to work on our communication skills, we seem to annoy each other rather than try to understand each other.”
You can each make a short list of the things that most bother you – no commentary, just bullet points and do keep the list no more than 2 items the first couple of times you do this and only if both can be addressed in about 20 to 30 minutes. If offense is taken or feelings are injured step back and readdress the issue after thinking about how the conversation degenerated and what steps can be taken to prevent that happening again. And remember, this is also his opportunity to address issues with you, so be prepared to listen quietly and consider his words before responding – do not defend yourself, but rather look at how the action, or lack thereof, impacts his life.
We are not in this life to fix each other or fit into another person’s ideal mold, but rather to work together to make life just a little better for all around us.

Dear Twice Divorced:
When my girlfriend and I announced our engagement, my mother offered to pay for half the wedding so that we can save for a house. We very greatfully accepted and things were fine until mom paid the deposit to the caterer, since then life has been a nightmare.
She showed up uninvited at the final fitting for the wedding gown and proceeded to tell the tailor what alterations to make and where to make them. She has called the bridesmaids dresses “floozie wear” and demanded they be left out of the wedding photos. I just talked to a second realtor who called to confirm an appointment – made by my mother – to look at her neighbor’s house. I have tried talking to her about this but all she will say is mother knows best. I am at my wits end and my fiancé is about ready to call the whole thing of. Please, tell me how to get through to this woman.
Son of Momzilla

Dear Son:
Sell your car, hock your wedding rings – do whatever is necessary to put every penny Momzilla has laid out back into her bank account and hand her a deposit receipt not a check that she can tear up. She is not lending you a hand, she is trying to take the reins of your lives – do not let her get away with it. Be respectful, but make it clear that as long as she keeps her opinions to herself she is more than welcome at your wedding, otherwise, well…you get the picture.
While I applaud your and your fiancé’s forbearance, I feel I must advise you to be wary of Momzilla’s overtures in the future as this is unlikely to be her last attempt to gain control.
Best of luck.